Lex (lex_of_green) wrote,

I work with people.

One of my coworkers recently joined a gym. He told me about his complimentary orientation with a personal trainer when he got to work the next day. The trainer brought a sheaf of papers to the meeting so she could track his progress, but I think she regretted it by the end. According to my coworker, their first conversation went like this:

TRAINER: So let's talk about what you're looking to accomplish here at the gym. Do you have any specific goals in mind?
COWORKER: I want to be a beef king.
TRAINER: Okaaaaay. A beefcake.
She took out the first sheet of paper and wrote “wants to be a beefcake” in the goals section.
COWORKER: You wrote “wants to be a beefcake” - I want to be a beef king. King.
TRAINER: Beef... king. Sorry. Right. And, um, how long have you had this goal?

He went back the next week and told his trainer he had an additional goal.

COWORKER: I forgot to tell you before - I want to grow a butt.

Ever since then, the coworker has been blending a lot of protein powder into his smoothies. He calls the smoothies “man milk” and then he grunts while drinking them. It actually looks like he's making progress, though. Like, he's developed these little dents that stay visible under his shoulder muscles and biceps even when he's not flexing.

It makes me feel a little guilty about the current jellyfish-like state of my own arms, but not guilty enough to drink the man milk. That stuff looks vile.

I have another coworker who turned 21 last week and she drank 21 shots of espresso to celebrate. She spent most of the rest of her shift throwing up. Her supervisor told me she threw up 15 times, which is kind of a shame. I really think if she'd tried harder she could've found something to make herself throw up six more times. THEN she'd really have a story to tell the hypothetical grandkids.
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You're lucky to work with human robots. Some other person (probably like me) would literally have a heart attack and die after having 21 shots.
She's worked at a coffee shop for a few years now - I'm guessing she's built up a caffeine tolerance. I'm really impressed she managed to throw up 15 times though. I would've thought a body would run out of matter to expel before that point.
It would be funnier if she threw up 21 times though, a shot per time, hehe. In this case I'd be curious would it be first-in-first-out or last-in-first-out, like a Magic stack. Oh, feels slightly uneasy discussing this in detail :)))
I am so happy you just made this about Magic. I am not even kidding.
Further evidence for my being-a-pretend-wizard-restructures-your-brain claim.
Yay new Lex post! You should get these coworkers to come hang out with us.
I have decided to get better about posting this month. Something about blogging makes my brain cleaner. (Hi Joan!)

I like keeping a fairly sharp division between work-life and life-life, but yeah sometimes my coworkers can be pretty great. Today my supervisor started FREESTYLE RAPPING about making coffee when he'd rather be asleep. And. And. Oh geez if I could freestyle rap I would also be able to fly on wings made of pure awesome. Why am I not that cool? Guh.
You could practice! Or you could be a writer (er, besides your posts, which are wonderful) or an actor or something. You'd probably be an awesome actor.
Lex if you promise to learn to freestyle rap i'll learn to beatbox to back you up.
As truly incredible as that idea sounds, I don't think freestyle rap is within my potential skill set. It hangs out next to telekinesis in the category of "things that are nifty, but I can't have because they are superpowers."

But still you should absolutely learn to beatbox.
Freestyle rap falls under Performance.

You can pick it up with some training time and XP.

Telekinesis, on the other hand, requires actual magic or magic science, which is tougher.
Hi Robbie I like it when there is evidence that you exist. :-)

I don't think I pick up XP that way - some categories just don't seem to appear on my sheet. Like... handstands. Should be a simple athletics roll, right? I tried consistently for two years to learn how to do a handstand, and I never got it. I think maybe I work like an extra instead of like a heroic mortal.
but lex you love gilbert and sullivan and what is the major general's song if not a rap boasting about his prowess? If you threw in some "bitches" and "motherfuckers" it would be indistinguishable from rap!
Oh, I'm not saying I can't learn to rap pre-written things (and I've totally memorized the Major General's song) - it's the whole improv bit that pushes it into a superpower.
I've had smoothies with protein powder. They are vile.

On the other hand, smoothies with Greek yogurt instead of regular give a pile of extra protein and taste much better.